The Significance of Personal Choice in Funeral Planning

We are all different, aren't we? Our personal preferences can differ dramatically from those we love and care about. Take driving, for instance. When I'm travelling with my wife, we have fairly similar tastes in music, so there are no big arguments or debates about what we listen to. More often than not, it's background noise as we sit and chat about life as we travel to our destination. When our children connect their Bluetooth to the car stereo it's a completely different ball game. I lose count of the amount of times that I ask them to skip to the next track. There's nothing wrong with what they like to listen to, it's just not what I would choose.

Why is this relevant? Well, as I take a moment to reflect on the nature of some of the recent services I have led, I am once again struck by the different choices that each family makes as they remember and honour a loved one's life.

Individual choice in the process of funeral planning is so important, because each person is unique, and therefore each service must reflect their unique personality, their values and interests. Every choice that is made, allows families to create a service that resonates with the essence of their loved one, thus providing comfort and peace as we say goodbye.

Understanding Personal Choice in Funerals

I have been taking funerals for fifteen year now, and during that time, the landscape has shifted dramatically. During this time, I have seen a clear shift toward bespoke funeral services that celebrate individuality. This can perhaps be seen most clearly in the rise of celebrant led services, which have grown in popularity over the last six years, with over half of those surveyed in 2023 saying they would choose a celebrant led service.

For my part, having worked previously as a Baptist Minister, and now as an independent celebrant, my heart is to listen to families that I journey alongside, so that each ceremony reflects the unique nature of the person we are remembering.

This enables family members to customise every element of the funeral service, from music selection to floral arrangements, poetry and readings, visual tributes and slideshows, transport and even venues. Each choice that is made contributes to shaping a service that is meaningful, and honours the life of a loved one. There is no one size fits all and no two services are the same, each service is as unique as the person we are remembering.

Where would you choose to hold your funeral?

While there has been an increase in services becoming more personal, the Crematorium has remained the most wanted place to hold a funeral. It seems to me, that this is, in part, due to the facilities on offer at the Crematorium. For instance, when conducting a burial service, most families choose to hold the main part of the service at the Crematorium before travelling to the burial ground for the final part of the service. This has advantages as there is the ability to play music, watch visual tributes and offer a more personalised service, especially when we can't rely on good weather in this country.

Although the number of services at the Crematorium has dropped slightly over the last few years, with the increase in popularity of Woodland Burial Grounds, I envisage this dynamic shifting over the next few years. I have seen an increase in venues who would normally specialise in weddings, offering weekday packages for celebrations of life in a more relaxed setting, which I can see becoming more popular as people understand the choices available to them.

I wonder, where would you choose to hold your funeral if you were planning it today?

The Importance of Talking about Funeral Options.

Perhaps, as the landscape shifts, and with the rise in direct cremations, we need to talk about this more with those that we love and care for.

I have lost count of the amount of times that someone has said to me that their loved one chose a direct cremation because they thought it would be easier for them but they would have preferred to have a service. This just highlights the importance of open communication with those that we love.

The reality is, we shy away from difficult conversations in life. This can be because we don't think they are relevant or that they are needed at that moment in time. When it comes to talking about death and dying, we don't always have the language to express our feelings, so we remain silent, and the conversation is never had.

Funerals serve a crucial role in the healing process for those grieving. The ability to choose specific elements can provide comfort and facilitate emotional healing during this challenging time. Personal touches often evoke treasured memories and honour the love shared.

Talking About Your Wishes: a few pointers

Talking about what you would like your funeral to be like with family and those close to you can be a liberating experience. While initiating the conversation may be stressful, in the long-term, it can help alleviate stress for those who are planning your service in your absence.

I always think conversations are best with a cup of tea. So why not start simply, put the kettle on, make a cuppa and enjoy some cake. Sometimes it can be easier to start with something direct, rather than beating around the bush:

• "We've never talked about this before, have you got any thoughts about..."

• "Do you think we should talk about..."

• "Have you ever thought about..."

Perhaps you have recently been to someone else funeral, this can be the ideal time to start a conversation:

• "We've just been to (insert person's name) funeral, have you ever thought about..."

• "What did you think of that, has it made you think about your..."

Music can also be a good way to start a conversation, especially when a poignant track comes on the radio:

• "You know what, I'd love this at my funeral, have you ever thought"

• "I know your not gone yet, but this song sums you up perfectly, what do you think..."

Lasting Reflections on Personal Choices

In conclusion, the importance of individual choice in funeral planning cannot be overstated. The personalisation of a funeral provides families with a unique opportunity to celebrate lives in ways that truly connect to their values and emotions. This approach supports the healing process while honouring the deceased.

Ultimately, we are all individuals and it is my heart that each service I lead, reflects the unique nature of the person we are remembering. Remember, it's never to early to start to make plans and write down your wishes, so why not make some time to talk to those you love about this sooner rather than later.