Funeral Music, what is appropriate when we say goodbye?

In case you were wondering, it's Lemon Cake

Have you ever had that moment where a significant piece of music has caught you off guard? You know what I'm talking about, right? You're sitting in your favourite coffee shop with a friend chatting away about life, enjoying a slice of your favourite cake with your flat white (other hot drinks are available). Then, all of a sudden, you notice a familiar tune in the background. This isn't just any tune, but the piece of music that you danced to with your wife on your wedding day, eyes locked as you circled around the room without a care in the world. Perhaps the music brings a smile or a tear to the corner of your eye as the memories of that moment come flooding back.

You see, music is powerful. It is emotive, and can catch us off guard at moments we least expect it. When it comes to events such as weddings, we take time to consider what music we are going to use during different parts of the day, especially for our first dance, over weeks, months, years even.

When it comes to funerals, we don't often get the time or space to consider in great detail like we would for other significant life events as there is normally only two or three weeks preparation time. There are occasions when I sit down with families and the deceased has already chosen what music they would like, and that's great, I'm all for being prepared. One of the questions I'll often ask though, even when the music has been chosen well in advance, is, "what about you? Is there any piece of music you would like to add to the ceremony to help you remember and reflect on your loved ones life?"

You see, music is deeply personal, and it seems to me that asking is important so that those who are gathering to remember are part of process rather than observers and bystanders in the process.

Having recently moved to Hull I am grateful that our three local crematorium have one hour service slots, this is a welcome change having been used to more limited time slots where I used to live. The upside of this is that there is the time to include more than one piece of music within the body of a ceremony and still have time for respectful Eulogy and any extras such as poems, readings or prayers. Excluding the music that we have when we enter and exit the chapel, you could realistically included three pieces of music within this time frame if you wanted. In fact, my record was seven pieces of music, all woven into telling the story of someone's life in a beautifully unique way.

In this regard, music can do so many things within a funeral ceremony; it is a tool to help us express our emotions, it has the power to provide comfort to grieving attendees, it can help to convey the personally and interests of the deceased, it can encourage healing and reflection, offer hope and peace whilst creating a shared experience amongst those present.

The choice these days is endless, traditional hymns or religious songs might be chosen because of their significance to the deceased and the faith community of which they were a part. Classical music from composers like Bach and Mozart are timeless pieces with emotional depth that may also speak of the deceases love of the arts. Contemporary songs and popular music can reflect upon the deceased's loves and passions, connecting with those present for all sorts of reasons.

These aren't the only choices though, there is other music available, in fact, any music is available. Which leads me the the question in hand, what music is appropriate for a funeral? And, on the flip side, is there any music that is inappropriate?

In answering these questions it is perhaps worth taking a step back and considering that purpose of a funeral is to reflect and remember the life of someone who was close to us. If we are planning the funeral ourselves, this often means that they were part of our immediate family or a close friend. This context is important, because while the deceased may have left some wishes, those who gather will be doing so with heavy hearts to say their own personal goodbyes.

This doesn't mean that the music chosen must therefore be sombre in nature, to the contrary, uplifting music can most definitely be part of funeral ceremony, it's all about considering what is appropriate within the context of this one ceremony for this one person.

Now that might sound a bit of a cop out, and it's not meant to be. For me, choosing funeral music has to be done within the bigger picture of the ceremony. Who are we remembering? What were there interests? What was their character and nature? What music did they like? What was their favourite song?

You see, each piece of music that is chosen will take us on a journey as we say goodbye. Perhaps the question shouldn't be about what is appropriate or not, but rather does this piece of music help take us on a journey as we reflect, honour and say goodbye to the person we are remembering. If it adds to, or enhances what the central aim of the ceremony is, then lets include it, if it detracts, or for whatever reason, doesn't feel right, then perhaps it's best not to include it.

I believe that every funeral is personal and is as unique as the person that we are remembering. The choices are endless, and once we've settled on the right musical choices for a ceremony, we then have to choose between which version of each track we will use. Is the quiet acoustic version, the album version or the live version that works best for this ceremony? If it feels right to have their favourite rock ballad blasting as loud as possible as we leave the crematorium, then lets do that, so long as it adds to, rather than detracts from our sole purpose, remembering them.

Did you know, you also have the option for live music? If you know someone who is willing, and able to perform on the day, this can be arranged and we can always talk about how to make this work logistically. Nothing is off the table, and I've even had a Silver Band with singer perform before, so don't be afraid to think outside the box a little, after all, we only get to say goodbye once.

It is my heart that every funeral ceremony I lead is as unique as the person that we are remembering, so whether it's rock or classical, musical theatre or marching bands, jazz or the blues, lets make it a memorable farewell together.